Terrified. That's about the only way to describe what I'm currently feeling. Our landlord has agreed to let us out of the lease assuming he can find someone to rent it. He has refused to let us out before that happens and doesn't believe he has done anything "wrong". He emailed us last night and is showing our place at 12pm today. I'm terrified. Al I want is OUT! We are praying desperately that whoever is coming to look at it will agree to rent it immediately and we'll be done and free.
But I'm scared and worried. I'm scared no one will want it, that we'll continue to be 'trapped' in an apartment with a horrendous landlord and dangerous neighborhood. I'm trying to trust that God is going to 'take care of it', but that's so hard to see right now. Why didn't God take care of it before? Why has this even happened? I keep asking God, crying out, 'We've done everything You asked! We gave up everything to move here! We left our home, our friends, our church, our LIVES to follow what we believe You've called us to and THIS is what happens!' I beg God to answer, to say something, but nothing seems to come. Not even 'trust me'. Where is He?!?
Classes start in a few days, and I feel more alone than I have in a long time. God, where have You gone? Please, we need Your help...
Friday, September 24, 2010
Thursday, September 16, 2010
Apartment Rant
Many of you saw my last post on facebook regarding our current landlord 'situation'. Here's a quick rundown of what all has happened and what we're dealing with now.
When found this place on Craigslist after LOTS of unsuccessful searching. Zach talked to the guy who is now our landlord over the phone about the place and we decided to drive up and check it out as it was, by far, the best option we'd found. The house is an old top-bottom duplex which our landlord has "completely" gutted and renovated. When we came up to see it in June he was still in the process of finishing the renovations, but it looked decent (other than from the outside, which looks like a crack house) and he assured us the work would be DONE well before we needed to move up in August. We had seen pictures of his other properties online and they all looked really nice. We told him we weren't sure when we would move in, as it all depended on when Zach got a job, I definitely wouldn't be up until late August. As part of our conversations with him, we asked him for averages on bills, he assured us they would be VERY reasonable due to all the renovations. We decided to go for it and put in an application.
Fast forward to July when we emailed him to check up on things. He assured us it was "done" and ready for us to move in at any time. We asked if we could go ahead and move our stuff in July 31, since we had found renters for our house starting August 1. He said 'go for it'.
Fast forward again to July 31, we arrive in Minnesota to find our "done" apartment in virtually the same condition it was in when we saw it the first time. NONE of the doors were hung, there were no locks on the doors, no cabinet doors, and the place was, in general a TOTAL mess! This lead eventually to some emails back and forth between our landlord and Zach regarding the state of things. He claimed that he didn't think we were moving in until later and he was being "nice" letting us move our stuff in "early". Keep in mind, we're paying rent on this place starting August 1 and we moved our stuff in less than 24 hours early. We pushed back on his claim that is was "done" and felt we'd come to a resolution that there was some poor communication on both sides and we would try to do better.
Fast forward AGAIN to a week later when Zach was supposed to move up. We had let our landlord know the moment Zach got a job (late July) that he would DEFINITELY be living there by August 7. At this point we're now trying to be sure everything is ready for Zach to move up with the dog. We are informed earlier that week that the apartment (that we are paying rent on!) still doesn't have an occupancy permit. Our landlord is frantically trying to get it to pass inspection but it's not happening. Finally, the day before Zach is supposed to leave, we find out it hasn't passed and won't pass until at least Monday. As a result, Zach has to stay with friends and can't take the dog. Our landlord offers to pro-rate our rent for the days Zach can't stay there (but not for the rest of the month when we couldn't live there if we wanted to or not!). It finally passes on Monday, but is still a disaster area (still no doors on cabinets, etc and still a MESS!).
Zach comes back to Missouri to get me at the end of August after spending weeks pestering our landlord to get stuff DONE. He assures Zach that over the weekend we're gone he's going to get a bunch of stuff done. We arrive back (with the dog and cat in tow) to an apartment where NOTHING has changed since Zach left, he didn't do a thing.
Zach has continued to get after him about a variety of things. For every one thing he FINALLY fixes there are at least 5 more that need to be addressed. One problem we had was the horrid water pressure in the shower. It was literally a trickle. Zach told him about it and that we needed to fix it ASAP, our landlord went off on some whole thing about how the pipes were all new and that it should be fine...except it isn't!!! We talked about options and that it needed to be addressed NOW...it of course wasn't. I finally went to Home Depot and got a new $20 shower head that Zach put on to fix it. We told our landlord what we finally did and that if he wanted to reimburse us he could, if not we'll take it with us when we leave. He agreed to reimburse us.
After that conversation, Zach sends him an email with a reminder of the list of things that need to be fixed ASAP (btw, one of those is a window in the bathroom that won't close, and it's getting down in the 50s at night here). Also in that email he asks if we should deduct the days where Zach couldn't stay here and the showerhead from our rent or if he wants to give us cash. We get an email back stating that he didn't like how the showerhead thing was handled and that he didn't know there was a problem (which was a flat out lie). In addition, not being able to stay at the house for 2 days wasn't that big of an inconvenience to us and he really needed the money. This, of course, MASSIVELY hacked us off! Because of course it was a HUGE inconvenience and we were being really nice only expecting him to reimburse us for 2 days. We told him that, paid him the full rent and he gave us a check for the two days, we never got paid for the showerhead, so it will be going with us when we leave.
Fast forward to two days ago...we have continued to get after him to get stuff FIXED...NOW! We don't even have our own mailbox at this point! We get an email from him stating that there is a "dog waste problem" and that we need to only take Barks out in the backyard and clean up immediately and completely. He said our downstairs neighbor and "others" had complained. First off, we pick up after Barks DAILY, not necessarily every time (though we are now) but once a day without fail. Second, we fully believed our neighbors downstairs may have mentioned something (and we'll get to that in a minute) but NO ONE EVER walks by our house. We are out on walks twice a day and have NEVER seen anyone walk by. Thus, we fully believe the "other people" part is lie. Third, we can't take the dog down the back stairs to get to the backyard. For one thing they are WAY too steep, for another, they are COVERED with our landlord's crap! It's dangerous for us to walk down them!
In this email he also mentioned that he was going to 'finish' the stairwells this week and then he was "done" with the indoor renovations (keep in mind we still have a fairly long list of things that NEED to be fixed!) We emailed back and apologized for the poopy, but also mentioned we can't get down the stairs with all his stuff. We also reminded him of the giant list of things he still isn't done fixing.
Wednesday night, after this email exchange, we decided it would be a good idea to go down and take a 'peace offering' to our neighbors (cookies) and apologize for the poopy problem and to also encourage them to talk to us if there's an issue. We have had small conversations with them, but haven't really gotten to know them yet. We went down and got all our worst fears about our landlord completely confirmed.
Our downstairs neighbor is moving out November 1, and not by her choice. She moved into this place in March and has had VAST problems since she moved in with him fixing things including, but not limited to NONE of her windows opening all summer (and our places don't have A/C). She has a mouse problem caused by a gaping hole behind her fridge leading directly down into the dungeon of a basement. She had finally 'had it' this month and told our landlord that she will not be renewing her lease bc of all these problems. He asked to talk to her and, when they met, he said that he wanted to "end the relationship now instead of in March and that she should be out by November 1". This is a working woman who is living with and caring for her disabled mother, in addition to have 2-18 year old sons living with her! It was RIDICULOUS!!! She also informed us, as we talked about all the problems she's had, that our heating bills will be 2-3 times what we were quoted.
Zach spoke to our landlord again last night about all the stuff that needs to be finished and he assured us it'll be done "soon". He also got wind that we'd talked to our downstairs neighbor and he tried to get more info out of Zach what they said. He, of course, didn't tell them, which lead our landlord to lie and blame her "choice" to move all on her mother's disability (which their is some truth in as her mother can't get in or out of the clawfoot tub) but he mentioned nothing about basically kicking her out months early.
So there it is. We're in a year long lease, which doesn't end until August, stuck with a landlord who (in my opinion) lies and is completely useless. He has, in our opinion, gotten himself over his head financially and has no concept of how to be a landlord. I'm angry and heartbroken. Home is very important to me, having somewhere I feel is 'safe' and 'comfortable'.
I'm honestly not sure what to do...all I want is to leave this place and find a 'home' where I can be comfortable. I really just want him to kick us out too, so we can go find somewhere where we can be happy.
So that's the short (long) story of our current apartment woes...thus endeth my rant
When found this place on Craigslist after LOTS of unsuccessful searching. Zach talked to the guy who is now our landlord over the phone about the place and we decided to drive up and check it out as it was, by far, the best option we'd found. The house is an old top-bottom duplex which our landlord has "completely" gutted and renovated. When we came up to see it in June he was still in the process of finishing the renovations, but it looked decent (other than from the outside, which looks like a crack house) and he assured us the work would be DONE well before we needed to move up in August. We had seen pictures of his other properties online and they all looked really nice. We told him we weren't sure when we would move in, as it all depended on when Zach got a job, I definitely wouldn't be up until late August. As part of our conversations with him, we asked him for averages on bills, he assured us they would be VERY reasonable due to all the renovations. We decided to go for it and put in an application.
Fast forward to July when we emailed him to check up on things. He assured us it was "done" and ready for us to move in at any time. We asked if we could go ahead and move our stuff in July 31, since we had found renters for our house starting August 1. He said 'go for it'.
Fast forward again to July 31, we arrive in Minnesota to find our "done" apartment in virtually the same condition it was in when we saw it the first time. NONE of the doors were hung, there were no locks on the doors, no cabinet doors, and the place was, in general a TOTAL mess! This lead eventually to some emails back and forth between our landlord and Zach regarding the state of things. He claimed that he didn't think we were moving in until later and he was being "nice" letting us move our stuff in "early". Keep in mind, we're paying rent on this place starting August 1 and we moved our stuff in less than 24 hours early. We pushed back on his claim that is was "done" and felt we'd come to a resolution that there was some poor communication on both sides and we would try to do better.
Fast forward AGAIN to a week later when Zach was supposed to move up. We had let our landlord know the moment Zach got a job (late July) that he would DEFINITELY be living there by August 7. At this point we're now trying to be sure everything is ready for Zach to move up with the dog. We are informed earlier that week that the apartment (that we are paying rent on!) still doesn't have an occupancy permit. Our landlord is frantically trying to get it to pass inspection but it's not happening. Finally, the day before Zach is supposed to leave, we find out it hasn't passed and won't pass until at least Monday. As a result, Zach has to stay with friends and can't take the dog. Our landlord offers to pro-rate our rent for the days Zach can't stay there (but not for the rest of the month when we couldn't live there if we wanted to or not!). It finally passes on Monday, but is still a disaster area (still no doors on cabinets, etc and still a MESS!).
Zach comes back to Missouri to get me at the end of August after spending weeks pestering our landlord to get stuff DONE. He assures Zach that over the weekend we're gone he's going to get a bunch of stuff done. We arrive back (with the dog and cat in tow) to an apartment where NOTHING has changed since Zach left, he didn't do a thing.
Zach has continued to get after him about a variety of things. For every one thing he FINALLY fixes there are at least 5 more that need to be addressed. One problem we had was the horrid water pressure in the shower. It was literally a trickle. Zach told him about it and that we needed to fix it ASAP, our landlord went off on some whole thing about how the pipes were all new and that it should be fine...except it isn't!!! We talked about options and that it needed to be addressed NOW...it of course wasn't. I finally went to Home Depot and got a new $20 shower head that Zach put on to fix it. We told our landlord what we finally did and that if he wanted to reimburse us he could, if not we'll take it with us when we leave. He agreed to reimburse us.
After that conversation, Zach sends him an email with a reminder of the list of things that need to be fixed ASAP (btw, one of those is a window in the bathroom that won't close, and it's getting down in the 50s at night here). Also in that email he asks if we should deduct the days where Zach couldn't stay here and the showerhead from our rent or if he wants to give us cash. We get an email back stating that he didn't like how the showerhead thing was handled and that he didn't know there was a problem (which was a flat out lie). In addition, not being able to stay at the house for 2 days wasn't that big of an inconvenience to us and he really needed the money. This, of course, MASSIVELY hacked us off! Because of course it was a HUGE inconvenience and we were being really nice only expecting him to reimburse us for 2 days. We told him that, paid him the full rent and he gave us a check for the two days, we never got paid for the showerhead, so it will be going with us when we leave.
Fast forward to two days ago...we have continued to get after him to get stuff FIXED...NOW! We don't even have our own mailbox at this point! We get an email from him stating that there is a "dog waste problem" and that we need to only take Barks out in the backyard and clean up immediately and completely. He said our downstairs neighbor and "others" had complained. First off, we pick up after Barks DAILY, not necessarily every time (though we are now) but once a day without fail. Second, we fully believed our neighbors downstairs may have mentioned something (and we'll get to that in a minute) but NO ONE EVER walks by our house. We are out on walks twice a day and have NEVER seen anyone walk by. Thus, we fully believe the "other people" part is lie. Third, we can't take the dog down the back stairs to get to the backyard. For one thing they are WAY too steep, for another, they are COVERED with our landlord's crap! It's dangerous for us to walk down them!
In this email he also mentioned that he was going to 'finish' the stairwells this week and then he was "done" with the indoor renovations (keep in mind we still have a fairly long list of things that NEED to be fixed!) We emailed back and apologized for the poopy, but also mentioned we can't get down the stairs with all his stuff. We also reminded him of the giant list of things he still isn't done fixing.
Wednesday night, after this email exchange, we decided it would be a good idea to go down and take a 'peace offering' to our neighbors (cookies) and apologize for the poopy problem and to also encourage them to talk to us if there's an issue. We have had small conversations with them, but haven't really gotten to know them yet. We went down and got all our worst fears about our landlord completely confirmed.
Our downstairs neighbor is moving out November 1, and not by her choice. She moved into this place in March and has had VAST problems since she moved in with him fixing things including, but not limited to NONE of her windows opening all summer (and our places don't have A/C). She has a mouse problem caused by a gaping hole behind her fridge leading directly down into the dungeon of a basement. She had finally 'had it' this month and told our landlord that she will not be renewing her lease bc of all these problems. He asked to talk to her and, when they met, he said that he wanted to "end the relationship now instead of in March and that she should be out by November 1". This is a working woman who is living with and caring for her disabled mother, in addition to have 2-18 year old sons living with her! It was RIDICULOUS!!! She also informed us, as we talked about all the problems she's had, that our heating bills will be 2-3 times what we were quoted.
Zach spoke to our landlord again last night about all the stuff that needs to be finished and he assured us it'll be done "soon". He also got wind that we'd talked to our downstairs neighbor and he tried to get more info out of Zach what they said. He, of course, didn't tell them, which lead our landlord to lie and blame her "choice" to move all on her mother's disability (which their is some truth in as her mother can't get in or out of the clawfoot tub) but he mentioned nothing about basically kicking her out months early.
So there it is. We're in a year long lease, which doesn't end until August, stuck with a landlord who (in my opinion) lies and is completely useless. He has, in our opinion, gotten himself over his head financially and has no concept of how to be a landlord. I'm angry and heartbroken. Home is very important to me, having somewhere I feel is 'safe' and 'comfortable'.
I'm honestly not sure what to do...all I want is to leave this place and find a 'home' where I can be comfortable. I really just want him to kick us out too, so we can go find somewhere where we can be happy.
So that's the short (long) story of our current apartment woes...thus endeth my rant
Wednesday, September 15, 2010
Home
It's been two weeks now. Two weeks since Zach and I finally and officially picked up our pets, our stuff, our lives, and moved north to Minnesota. Two weeks...it sounds so short, but has felt so much longer. It has been two weeks filled with lots of ups and downs. With lots of 'new' around every turn. A new home, a new job, a new focus (school), even some budding new friendship. New always sounds so fun...who wouldn't be excited about 'new'! Well, me for one. Don't get me wrong, there is plenty that I am excited about. School is already quite the adventure, and I'm looking forward to all the ways I'm going to be stretched over the next few years and I learn. But, at the same time, I am longing for something 'comfortable', something safe, something 'known'.
I miss home.
I miss home.
Sunday, August 29, 2010
Silence
This may come as a bit of a shock to some of you, but words aren't often something I have problems with. I may be an introvert, but I have PLENTY of words. Now, they may not always be expressed verbally, but that doesn't mean they aren't there. And now that I have a place to write them...holy cow! It seems like they should just flow like water.
But that isn't the case tonight. I've sat staring blankly at the screen for several minutes, trying to figure out how to put into words the mix of emotions in my heart. Tonight was Zach's and my 'Bon Voyage' party, and it has left me speechless. In fact, tonight seemed like the culmination of a week of being left 'speechless'. Being loved is a powerful thing, but being told how much you are loved, being shown it in a million ways, both big and small, is breath-taking. Thinking you might have 'helped' is nice, but knowing without a doubt that God has used you to change not just a 'place' but lives is astonishing. To know that your seemingly small life has mattered to those around you is something that no words can ever capture.
So, as I sit and ponder those things...rolling over those beautiful moments, those precious conversations, all the hugs, all the tears I'm left remembering the very wise advice a very wise person once told me..."if there are no words, let the silence speak for you". And so I will....
But that isn't the case tonight. I've sat staring blankly at the screen for several minutes, trying to figure out how to put into words the mix of emotions in my heart. Tonight was Zach's and my 'Bon Voyage' party, and it has left me speechless. In fact, tonight seemed like the culmination of a week of being left 'speechless'. Being loved is a powerful thing, but being told how much you are loved, being shown it in a million ways, both big and small, is breath-taking. Thinking you might have 'helped' is nice, but knowing without a doubt that God has used you to change not just a 'place' but lives is astonishing. To know that your seemingly small life has mattered to those around you is something that no words can ever capture.
So, as I sit and ponder those things...rolling over those beautiful moments, those precious conversations, all the hugs, all the tears I'm left remembering the very wise advice a very wise person once told me..."if there are no words, let the silence speak for you". And so I will....
Friday, August 20, 2010
The Core
Anger sucks. It is, by far, my least favorite emotion to have to deal with. Give me lonely, paniced, or despairing any day. But anger...no thanks, I'd rather not. It's not really surprising I don't like dealing with anger. Growing up in a house with a lot of anger, anger that was pretty big and scary, it was something I never quite knew how to handle. As an adult, anger just seems so...well...so MEAN! And the last thing I ever want to be is "mean". But whether I want it or not, here it is, waiting to be dealt with.
I know the truth, I have to deal with it, process it, for it to not eat me up inside. But processing anger is confusing for me. What do I do with it!?! What do I do with the fact that I'm angry that I'm in Missouri "alone" while Zach is in Minnesota? That I'm angry that I'm stuck dealing with an unruly, teenager of a dog? That the space and margin I was so looking forward to getting these last three weeks now seems impossible to find. That I'm still trying to manage (or control?) so many things...budget, bills, animals, work, dog class, insurance...just to name a few...and I'm sick and tired of it. I want to just STOP. But that feels impossible, how can I stop? Those things have to be dealt with, they have to be addressed and "managed" (controlled?), and thus my anger. Angry that I feel alone in trying to keep it all in balance. Angry that I don't know how to stop "controlling" it all. Angry that I feel angry at the people I love the most, it's not their fault. At the end of the day it's no one's "fault"that I can't seem to find any margin or rest (well, maybe our landlord's for not getting the apartment ready in time for Zach to take the dog). And there it is, the core, I'm angry that I'm alone (or at least am feeling alone).
People keep asking me what they can do to help, and my answer always seems to be "I don't know". And the truth is, I don't. Who else is going to deal with the dog? He's our dog, and thus is our problem (currently my problem). I want help, but I don't even know what that looks like anymore. I feel trapped and "stuck". Stuck because I've never really learned how to ask for help well. That stupid independent streak that so many people seem to admire in me is currently becoming my downfall. And I know it. That's the part the sucks the most...I know it's a problem, I know it's the thing that is "taking me out". But how do you ask for help when you don't even know what you need help with! I need help just knowing what I need help with, help knowing what I can let go of. Normally Zach would take some of the load, would help, would hold me and help me breath, would easy the stress and calm my paniced little soul, but he's in Minnesota...seemingly too far away to "help".
So there it is...the core, underneath the anger, I'm scared. I'm scared I'm not going to make it through this. Or, if I do "make it through" it will be at too high a cost. That it will cost me my relationships, my sanity, my soul. I'm scared, and feeling like I'm out of places to turn. Whether that's true or not, it's the feeling I'm living with, and the one that has me trapped, cornered in my fear. Feeling those same old lies, that I'm "too much", too emotional, too dramatic, too "fill in the blank", for people to handle. That I'm taking too much, asking too much, demanding too much. That I need to just "deal with it" myself.
So here I sit, less angry now, but far more scared...and wondering, what now?
I know the truth, I have to deal with it, process it, for it to not eat me up inside. But processing anger is confusing for me. What do I do with it!?! What do I do with the fact that I'm angry that I'm in Missouri "alone" while Zach is in Minnesota? That I'm angry that I'm stuck dealing with an unruly, teenager of a dog? That the space and margin I was so looking forward to getting these last three weeks now seems impossible to find. That I'm still trying to manage (or control?) so many things...budget, bills, animals, work, dog class, insurance...just to name a few...and I'm sick and tired of it. I want to just STOP. But that feels impossible, how can I stop? Those things have to be dealt with, they have to be addressed and "managed" (controlled?), and thus my anger. Angry that I feel alone in trying to keep it all in balance. Angry that I don't know how to stop "controlling" it all. Angry that I feel angry at the people I love the most, it's not their fault. At the end of the day it's no one's "fault"that I can't seem to find any margin or rest (well, maybe our landlord's for not getting the apartment ready in time for Zach to take the dog). And there it is, the core, I'm angry that I'm alone (or at least am feeling alone).
People keep asking me what they can do to help, and my answer always seems to be "I don't know". And the truth is, I don't. Who else is going to deal with the dog? He's our dog, and thus is our problem (currently my problem). I want help, but I don't even know what that looks like anymore. I feel trapped and "stuck". Stuck because I've never really learned how to ask for help well. That stupid independent streak that so many people seem to admire in me is currently becoming my downfall. And I know it. That's the part the sucks the most...I know it's a problem, I know it's the thing that is "taking me out". But how do you ask for help when you don't even know what you need help with! I need help just knowing what I need help with, help knowing what I can let go of. Normally Zach would take some of the load, would help, would hold me and help me breath, would easy the stress and calm my paniced little soul, but he's in Minnesota...seemingly too far away to "help".
So there it is...the core, underneath the anger, I'm scared. I'm scared I'm not going to make it through this. Or, if I do "make it through" it will be at too high a cost. That it will cost me my relationships, my sanity, my soul. I'm scared, and feeling like I'm out of places to turn. Whether that's true or not, it's the feeling I'm living with, and the one that has me trapped, cornered in my fear. Feeling those same old lies, that I'm "too much", too emotional, too dramatic, too "fill in the blank", for people to handle. That I'm taking too much, asking too much, demanding too much. That I need to just "deal with it" myself.
So here I sit, less angry now, but far more scared...and wondering, what now?
Saturday, August 7, 2010
Nose to Nose
To say it's been a "rough week" feels like an understatement. One week ago, after spending the previous two days loading the U-Haul and cleaning, Zach and I stood in our kitchen and said goodbye to our little house. Our hearts were breaking as we took our wedding picture off the wall (the last thing out the door), closed and locked the door and walked to the car. As we did, it started to rain. A gift from God...a reminder that He was grieving with us. That He cries too....
We made our way up to Minnesota only to find out apartment still in the 'half-finished' state we'd left it in over a month ago. None of the doors were up, it was still dirty, there was construction debris scattered about and, to our shock, no occupancy permit. We had no choice but to unload everything we own into our "new" apartment and hope and pray that it would be resolved before Zach had to leave the next Saturday.
It is now a week later...Zach left this morning...and we still don't have an occupancy permit.
As I drove back to the house where I'm staying (thanks to some of the most wonderful and generous people I've ever met, Donna and Ron) after taking my husband to his car and saying goodbye, I sobbed my heart out to God. And God heard.
A few months ago a friend spoke at Woodcrest about an unbelievable hard time in her life. She had lost her son in a tragic accident and she spoke about how she made it through. Every morning when she woke, she had the palpable sense that God was 'nose to nose' with her. That He was close in tangible ways she had never known before. I don't know that I understood that explanation at the time, that God was 'nose to nose' with her. But on the drive back home, God was 'nose to nose' with me. I've never felt Him so near and so 'palpable' before. And in the hours I've been home since then (dealing with the dog, cleaning our room, even eating lunch) that feeling hasn't left. God is 'nose to nose' with me...cause He knows that's the only way I'll make it through.
So I'm off to 'entertain' myself on my first Saturday without anything to 'do' in months. Thankful that, for today at least, I have God 'nose to nose' with me.
We made our way up to Minnesota only to find out apartment still in the 'half-finished' state we'd left it in over a month ago. None of the doors were up, it was still dirty, there was construction debris scattered about and, to our shock, no occupancy permit. We had no choice but to unload everything we own into our "new" apartment and hope and pray that it would be resolved before Zach had to leave the next Saturday.
It is now a week later...Zach left this morning...and we still don't have an occupancy permit.
As I drove back to the house where I'm staying (thanks to some of the most wonderful and generous people I've ever met, Donna and Ron) after taking my husband to his car and saying goodbye, I sobbed my heart out to God. And God heard.
A few months ago a friend spoke at Woodcrest about an unbelievable hard time in her life. She had lost her son in a tragic accident and she spoke about how she made it through. Every morning when she woke, she had the palpable sense that God was 'nose to nose' with her. That He was close in tangible ways she had never known before. I don't know that I understood that explanation at the time, that God was 'nose to nose' with her. But on the drive back home, God was 'nose to nose' with me. I've never felt Him so near and so 'palpable' before. And in the hours I've been home since then (dealing with the dog, cleaning our room, even eating lunch) that feeling hasn't left. God is 'nose to nose' with me...cause He knows that's the only way I'll make it through.
So I'm off to 'entertain' myself on my first Saturday without anything to 'do' in months. Thankful that, for today at least, I have God 'nose to nose' with me.
Thursday, July 22, 2010
Fear
I'm not a big fan of fear. I really don't like scary movies or books. I don't like the dark (cause scary things can hide there) and wouldn't be caught within 100 yards of a haunted house. Considering all of that, it's surprising how often "afraid" is how I feel. It's not like I seek it out, afterall. But somehow, it seems to constantly creep in. And so often at the point when the last thing I want or need to be dealing with is fear.
I've spent the majority of today in near terror. Surprising considering I got a call from the Seminary to tell me I've been accepted and that all the information for me to register is on it's way here. Even MORE surprising considering I got a callback from the job interview I had yesterday, they want me up for a second interview (the final step in the process). And the final kicker, Zach had a second interview for the job he applied for at Bethel and it sounds like it went great! You would think, with all of that, I'd be bouncing off the walls with joy. But I'm not...I'm scared. I'm not even scared about either of those things. I'm scared about the 'what ifs'.
The only thought I've had for most of the day has been "what if' I mess it up". There it is, the core of the fear. "What if I mess it up". What if I mess up what God is doing. What if, in trying to do normal, mundane things that I think I'm "supposed" to do in order for us to move, I screw it all up. What if I break it so bad God just says "to heck with it, they're on their own!" or "She created this mess...she can get herself out of it!".
I try to remind myself that response sounds nothing like the God I know, who continues to show up. That God has lead us into this process, and that He's not going to just "dump us" and leave us to fend for ourselves. That He keeps orchestrating each step, once piece at a time. We needed a great renter and we got one, Zach needed a great job and its looking good for him to get one, I need a great job and, again, it's looking good. Even the money piece keeps falling into place. But as hard as I try to remember all those things, the fear so often seems to get the best of me.
And so I cry and try to remember that God is in this. That, as my incredibly wise counselor reminds me often, God isn't the author of fear, that it doesn't come from Him. That it, instead, comes from One who would like nothing better than to see me crippled by my fear, cowering and ineffective. And so I push on. Hoping beyond hope that, in the end, there is a God who doesn't know the meaning of "too messed up". That He's brought us this far and isn't about to quit now.
With those thoughts, I try to find my way to belief. Belief that it really will all be "ok". That God really does "have it". And, as I wade through the muck of fear, I hope and pray that someday soon belief will finally win out.
I've spent the majority of today in near terror. Surprising considering I got a call from the Seminary to tell me I've been accepted and that all the information for me to register is on it's way here. Even MORE surprising considering I got a callback from the job interview I had yesterday, they want me up for a second interview (the final step in the process). And the final kicker, Zach had a second interview for the job he applied for at Bethel and it sounds like it went great! You would think, with all of that, I'd be bouncing off the walls with joy. But I'm not...I'm scared. I'm not even scared about either of those things. I'm scared about the 'what ifs'.
The only thought I've had for most of the day has been "what if' I mess it up". There it is, the core of the fear. "What if I mess it up". What if I mess up what God is doing. What if, in trying to do normal, mundane things that I think I'm "supposed" to do in order for us to move, I screw it all up. What if I break it so bad God just says "to heck with it, they're on their own!" or "She created this mess...she can get herself out of it!".
I try to remind myself that response sounds nothing like the God I know, who continues to show up. That God has lead us into this process, and that He's not going to just "dump us" and leave us to fend for ourselves. That He keeps orchestrating each step, once piece at a time. We needed a great renter and we got one, Zach needed a great job and its looking good for him to get one, I need a great job and, again, it's looking good. Even the money piece keeps falling into place. But as hard as I try to remember all those things, the fear so often seems to get the best of me.
And so I cry and try to remember that God is in this. That, as my incredibly wise counselor reminds me often, God isn't the author of fear, that it doesn't come from Him. That it, instead, comes from One who would like nothing better than to see me crippled by my fear, cowering and ineffective. And so I push on. Hoping beyond hope that, in the end, there is a God who doesn't know the meaning of "too messed up". That He's brought us this far and isn't about to quit now.
With those thoughts, I try to find my way to belief. Belief that it really will all be "ok". That God really does "have it". And, as I wade through the muck of fear, I hope and pray that someday soon belief will finally win out.
Monday, July 19, 2010
"Half-way"
Multi-tasking. It's something I normally pride myself on. For those of you who have ever walked into my office, you're well aware of my love of "many things at once". My computer has two monitors attached to it and I generally have at least 3 things going at once. I've been known to make people nauseous bouncing back and forth between windows (Photoshop...Firefox...other Firefox...Illustrator...InDesign...back to Firefox....Desktop...Photoshop again). I usually thrive on it, ideas roll like waves crashing onto the shore as I bounce from window to window.
But not today. The multi-tasking side of my brain seems to be broken. Well, ok, maybe not broken...I think it's just finally become completely overloaded. A startling feat for me. But, nevertheless, here it is...complete mental shutdown. I've been working on the same simple project (a new poster for the next series at Woodcrest) for the better part of 3 hours and am no closer to completion than I was 3 hours ago. As I stare at my half-finished poster, I'm left contemplating the current 'half-finished' state of my life. Stuck in limbo somewhere between Missouri and Minnesota...half-way between what's "safe" and what's "scary".
"Half-way" isn't very fun. Our house has been rented, but we're still living in it. I've applied for a new job (House Manager for Bethel's 1400 seat auditorium) but am still working at my old one. We've paid rent on our new apartment, but don't have a single thing inside of it. I've even managed to only turn on half the utilities at our new place. Living a "half-way" life is not something I enjoy. But I guess, in retrospect, that's part of the reason for this move. I can't bring myself to live a "half-way" life. "Half-way" doing what God wants, "half-way" doing what I believe God created me to do.
So I'll hunker down and push through. I'll finish my poster (even if it's not the most stellar work I've ever done). We'll get our house packed and moved (and the utilities turned on...A/C is good). I'll eventually say good-bye to my "old" job and hopefully hello to my "new" one and I'll continue to hope that somewhere along the way my multi-tasking, ADD brain will find it's way back home. I guess it doesn't like living a "half-way" life either.
But not today. The multi-tasking side of my brain seems to be broken. Well, ok, maybe not broken...I think it's just finally become completely overloaded. A startling feat for me. But, nevertheless, here it is...complete mental shutdown. I've been working on the same simple project (a new poster for the next series at Woodcrest) for the better part of 3 hours and am no closer to completion than I was 3 hours ago. As I stare at my half-finished poster, I'm left contemplating the current 'half-finished' state of my life. Stuck in limbo somewhere between Missouri and Minnesota...half-way between what's "safe" and what's "scary".
"Half-way" isn't very fun. Our house has been rented, but we're still living in it. I've applied for a new job (House Manager for Bethel's 1400 seat auditorium) but am still working at my old one. We've paid rent on our new apartment, but don't have a single thing inside of it. I've even managed to only turn on half the utilities at our new place. Living a "half-way" life is not something I enjoy. But I guess, in retrospect, that's part of the reason for this move. I can't bring myself to live a "half-way" life. "Half-way" doing what God wants, "half-way" doing what I believe God created me to do.
So I'll hunker down and push through. I'll finish my poster (even if it's not the most stellar work I've ever done). We'll get our house packed and moved (and the utilities turned on...A/C is good). I'll eventually say good-bye to my "old" job and hopefully hello to my "new" one and I'll continue to hope that somewhere along the way my multi-tasking, ADD brain will find it's way back home. I guess it doesn't like living a "half-way" life either.
Thursday, July 15, 2010
Butterfly Fear
I've been thinking a lot lately about butterflies. Well, ok, not butterflies exactly...more caterpillars. For those of you who don't remember your 5th grade science class, caterpillars become butterflies. But before they become butterflies, they have to go through an experience that has created in me a curious sense of kinship with these fuzzy little guys. Caterpillars spend most of their early lives munching away on whatever leafy, green goodies they can find. Moving from branch to branch, they live pretty simple lives, other than the occasional scare from a bird or some other caterpillar-eating monster of course. But at some point in a caterpillars leaf-eating life, something starts to change. They loose interest in the leaves that had been their entire existence and begin one of the strangest journeys in nature. They become obsessed with finding the "right spot" and there begin building a chrysalis, a cocoon. Once their chrysalis is complete, the pudgy little guy climbs in and then POOF several days later out comes a butterfly!
A pretty amazing transformation (and pretty creative way to create butterflies too!). But my kinship lately isn't so much with the butterfly, it's with the caterpillar. Now I know caterpillars probably don't have feelings, or brains mature enough to comprehend what is going on in them, but indulge me for a bit. What if they did....what if the caterpillar suddenly found himself with this unexplainable desire to abandon all he knows and do something completely different (and quite odd to be honest). Is he afraid? Confused? A bit excited? What do all his little bug friends think about his new project? Do his grasshopper and ant buddies point and whisper "look at that crazy caterpillar over there...he's gone NUTS!".
That's how I'm feeling lately...a bit like the caterpillar. Confused, afraid, excited...and all at once sometimes. I mentioned in my last post that we're moving to Minnesota. Well, that move is coming fast...in less than 2 months now. But I have yet to tell you all the reason for our sudden departure. About 3 years ago I had the chance to go to Israel. It was one of the most amazing experiences of my life and one that rekindled my passion for history. I've always loved ancient history. While all the other girls were flirting with the boy next to them on the school bus, I was the geeky one with my nose shoved into a book about Cleopatra or Paul Revere. Spending 2 weeks in Israel relit that passion in ways I didn't even understand. Over the last few years, much like our little caterpillar friend, I've been "filling up" on yummy history goodness. Learning more about Jewish history and how it affects Christianity (my particular leafy weakness). A few months ago, Zach and I started talking about 'what's next' for us. It had become pretty clear that teaching wasn't what God had for him, but as we were processing that, God had a surprise for me.
Through a LOOONG series of events, conversations, yelling, crying, etc, God showed up...and asked this chubby little caterpillar to get ready, cause He had a different plan in mind than she did. That the passion for ancient history and interest in Jewish/Christian history wasn't just a "hobby", it was about to become my life. That God was calling me into a new career path, one of a professor of Biblical History.
And so begins my kinship with the caterpillar. Before I can become a "beautiful teaching professor butterfly" I first have to climb into my chrysalis, to develop my wings. Ok, that may be stretching the analogy a little far. Nevertheless, off I go, to school. To begin a Master's program at Bethel Seminary in Theological Studies...hopefully towards an eventual PhD and a job as a professor (hopefully at Mizzou!). It's what I know I'm supposed to do and I know that it's where God is calling but still, I'm left wondering....is the caterpillar as scared as I am?
A pretty amazing transformation (and pretty creative way to create butterflies too!). But my kinship lately isn't so much with the butterfly, it's with the caterpillar. Now I know caterpillars probably don't have feelings, or brains mature enough to comprehend what is going on in them, but indulge me for a bit. What if they did....what if the caterpillar suddenly found himself with this unexplainable desire to abandon all he knows and do something completely different (and quite odd to be honest). Is he afraid? Confused? A bit excited? What do all his little bug friends think about his new project? Do his grasshopper and ant buddies point and whisper "look at that crazy caterpillar over there...he's gone NUTS!".
That's how I'm feeling lately...a bit like the caterpillar. Confused, afraid, excited...and all at once sometimes. I mentioned in my last post that we're moving to Minnesota. Well, that move is coming fast...in less than 2 months now. But I have yet to tell you all the reason for our sudden departure. About 3 years ago I had the chance to go to Israel. It was one of the most amazing experiences of my life and one that rekindled my passion for history. I've always loved ancient history. While all the other girls were flirting with the boy next to them on the school bus, I was the geeky one with my nose shoved into a book about Cleopatra or Paul Revere. Spending 2 weeks in Israel relit that passion in ways I didn't even understand. Over the last few years, much like our little caterpillar friend, I've been "filling up" on yummy history goodness. Learning more about Jewish history and how it affects Christianity (my particular leafy weakness). A few months ago, Zach and I started talking about 'what's next' for us. It had become pretty clear that teaching wasn't what God had for him, but as we were processing that, God had a surprise for me.
Through a LOOONG series of events, conversations, yelling, crying, etc, God showed up...and asked this chubby little caterpillar to get ready, cause He had a different plan in mind than she did. That the passion for ancient history and interest in Jewish/Christian history wasn't just a "hobby", it was about to become my life. That God was calling me into a new career path, one of a professor of Biblical History.
And so begins my kinship with the caterpillar. Before I can become a "beautiful teaching professor butterfly" I first have to climb into my chrysalis, to develop my wings. Ok, that may be stretching the analogy a little far. Nevertheless, off I go, to school. To begin a Master's program at Bethel Seminary in Theological Studies...hopefully towards an eventual PhD and a job as a professor (hopefully at Mizzou!). It's what I know I'm supposed to do and I know that it's where God is calling but still, I'm left wondering....is the caterpillar as scared as I am?
Tuesday, July 13, 2010
Dr. Fleischman, a Moose and Me
So here it is, my very first attempt at a blog. It's something I've thought about off and on for months...as our crazy lives seem to be getting crazier, the idea of having a place where all the randomness in my head could be released seemed like it might be a decent idea. So...here it is. Northern Exposure. I strange title, I admit, but one that seems fitting considering the "adventure" we're about to head off on.
For those you who don't remember, Northern Exposure was a WONDERFULLY random show from the early 90s about a young Jewish doctor (Joel Fleischman) from New York who ended up in the tiny town of Cicely, Alaska for 4 years, to pay back the state of Alaska for funding his education. The people are wierd, the weather is FRIGID and there are moose walking around loose in the middle of town.
So why on earth, you may ask, is my blog called Northern Exposure? I'm not Jewish or a doctor, and I certainly don't owe the state of Alaska $100,000 for my education (although Direct Loans sure gets a good sized check each month). Despite all of this, I'm currently feeling a great kinship with Dr. Fleischman and his Alaskan detour. You see my husband Zach and I are about to head off on our own northern 'detour' of sorts. We've decided to go back to school, and that school is in Minneapolis, Minnesota!
Ok...I will admit it's not quite as dramatic as being sent to a small town in northern Alaska. But for a Missouri girl who's only plan was to find a way to get CLOSER to the equator, the idea of Minnesota isn't all that appealing. It's cold up there! And, while I'm sure the people of MN are perfectly nice (much like the people of Cicely, AK) they all seem just a bit odd to me. I mean, who drives a car out onto the ice and leaves it there until spring! That's called crazy where I'm from! And there are bears...IN TOWN! Not quite as bad as Alaskan moose in your town square, but still....bears?!
But despite all of this, it is to Minnesota we go. I know that leaves lots of questions...why? when? where? (well, ok, maybe not where since I already told you, but I was on a roll) Well, for that, we'll both just have to wait. You see, it's gotten a bit late and I'm ready for some sleep and hopefully with dreams of warm oceans and sandy beaches...not snow and moose, and certainly not bears!
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