The Core

Anger sucks. It is, by far, my least favorite emotion to have to deal with. Give me lonely, paniced, or despairing any day. But anger...no thanks, I'd rather not. It's not really surprising I don't like dealing with anger. Growing up in a house with a lot of anger, anger that was pretty big and scary, it was something I never quite knew how to handle. As an adult, anger just seems so...well...so MEAN! And the last thing I ever want to be is "mean". But whether I want it or not, here it is, waiting to be dealt with.

I know the truth, I have to deal with it, process it, for it to not eat me up inside. But processing anger is confusing for me. What do I do with it!?! What do I do with the fact that I'm angry that I'm in Missouri "alone" while Zach is in Minnesota? That I'm angry that I'm stuck dealing with an unruly, teenager of a dog? That the space and margin I was so looking forward to getting these last three weeks now seems impossible to find. That I'm still trying to manage (or control?) so many things...budget, bills, animals, work, dog class, insurance...just to name a few...and I'm sick and tired of it. I want to just STOP. But that feels impossible, how can I stop? Those things have to be dealt with, they have to be addressed and "managed" (controlled?), and thus my anger. Angry that I feel alone in trying to keep it all in balance. Angry that I don't know how to stop "controlling" it all. Angry that I feel angry at the people I love the most, it's not their fault. At the end of the day it's no one's "fault"that I can't seem to find any margin or rest (well, maybe our landlord's for not getting the apartment ready in time for Zach to take the dog). And there it is, the core, I'm angry that I'm alone (or at least am feeling alone).

People keep asking me what they can do to help, and my answer always seems to be "I don't know". And the truth is, I don't. Who else is going to deal with the dog? He's our dog, and thus is our problem (currently my problem). I want help, but I don't even know what that looks like anymore. I feel trapped and "stuck". Stuck because I've never really learned how to ask for help well. That stupid independent streak that so many people seem to admire in me is currently becoming my downfall. And I know it. That's the part the sucks the most...I know it's a problem, I know it's the thing that is "taking me out". But how do you ask for help when you don't even know what you need help with! I need help just knowing what I need help with, help knowing what I can let go of. Normally Zach would take some of the load, would help, would hold me and help me breath, would easy the stress and calm my paniced little soul, but he's in Minnesota...seemingly too far away to "help".

So there it is...the core, underneath the anger, I'm scared. I'm scared I'm not going to make it through this. Or, if I do "make it through" it will be at too high a cost. That it will cost me my relationships, my sanity, my soul. I'm scared, and feeling like I'm out of places to turn. Whether that's true or not, it's the feeling I'm living with, and the one that has me trapped, cornered in my fear. Feeling those same old lies, that I'm "too much", too emotional, too dramatic, too "fill in the blank", for people to handle. That I'm taking too much, asking too much, demanding too much. That I need to just "deal with it" myself.

So here I sit, less angry now, but far more scared...and wondering, what now?